Details » Desilove
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that she was traumatized by her pearnts drug use.)The problems here can be divided into 3 areas:1. the wife is upset with her husband's pot smoking.2. there seems to have been NO plan, or thought ( by either of them ) of how to deal with the reality of pot smoking when you have a child. If you are going to engage in this behavior, or really any behavior that goes against dominant discourse you need to have a plan on how to address this. To not do so is irresponsible. 3. The wife is, rightly, concerned about the father's behavior while high around the child.1. First they need to find a way to come to some agreement on smoking pot. There may be room for compromise here or there may not be. Perhaps smoking up less often: only weekends, only weekdays, every other day, etc. Or he may just have to give it up (perhaps except for social occasions) for family harmony, or she may just have to accept it as something he enjoys and that she needs to learn how to accept. The key is they both need to not just tolerate but really accept whatever they agree on. This doesn't mean it can't ever change but the agreement needs to be entered into without the expectation that the other one will eventually change his or her mind. Alternate ways of relaxation so that the mother is not the one who is always the responsible one could be a great idea. Maybe he smokes up Monday, Wednesday and Friday and the three do yoga Tuesday and Thursday or vice-versa. Or they decide to go jogging as a family every day at 530 or he goes alone Maybe he smokes pot and then they all do yoga whatever. What is clear is that if the stress is not just an excuse it needs to be addressed.A child does mean changes and the father needs to accept that. But a child should not be an excuse for shifts in values that may not have anything to do with the well being of the child. Mom needs to ask herself does she genuinely fear for her child's safety, is he so high he can't take care of the child? Is the father not fulfilling his parental obligations because he's always taking a post marijuana nap? OR is she using the child as an excuse to pressure him into changing a behavior she doesn't agree with and one that embarrasses her? 2. If they come to some agreement about pot smoking where some smoking is still going on; then they need to address the second problem. They need to be honest with their child, in an age appropriate way. They may begin by explaining that dad is doing something adults sometimes enjoy doing, but that this will make children sick, which is why he can't do it around you; just the way alcohol makes children sick or peanuts make some children sick . If pot use is not accepted in your community, you don't need to tell your child his dad is smoking pot in those words until he is older. As the child gets older, you will need to be more open about the father's drug use; I'm not suggesting you should share drugs or smoke in front of the child; just that it should be admitted that the father smokes pot. If it is hidden the child will feel the hypocrisy of the situation and either hide any activity (including potential drug use) that he feels his pearnts may not approve of. Or he may be embarrassed of his father's drug use, seeing it as something shameful that needs to be hidden. Neither is a healthy state for the child. If the father feels this is something that no child should know that he is doing then he should not be using drugs. If he is okay with sharing the fact that he smokes pot; he should just keep it out of the child's way. 3. The third issue is the mental and physical safety of child with father when dad is high. This all depends on who else is with the child, how high the father is, and how pot affects him. If you can have a glass of wine around your child then you should be able to be around your child having smoked a bit of pot. You wouldn't want to be drunk around your child, you don't want to be baked out of your mind with your child. There should always be someone who is fully capable of caring for the child, and this is not just the day to day caring but sober enough to handle a real emergency too. It should not always fall on the mother to be this person; this turns her into the parent for both of them. As for the mental well being. Being a bit goofy around the child on occasion is okay but it can't be too goofy or too often. Whether you should be around your child after smoking depends on how pot affects you. Just as some people become uncomfortably jocose or morose after just one glass of alcohol while another person may talk a bit more than usual and another may have no noticeable change at all. If the father tells more jokes or is a bit more quiet or is exactly the same then there is no issue. But if he is terribly groggy, or fascinated by the smell of lemons for hours then it's an issue. To the wife: Before you head to al-anon make sure you have tried to work this out with your husband. Once you are on opposing camps it will be that much harder to reach an agreement. If you truly believe your husband has an addiction, and that this addiction is causing him some kind of harm ( your change of heart on his pot using creating fights doesn't count as a problem, but problems that his pot smoking creates in your relationship because he isn't present would count , as would making you have to take the responsibility in child rearing etc.)To the husband: Try to see how your drug use is upsetting your wife. Is it worth the tensions it's creating? Does your smoking up make your wife have to be the responsible one in the relationship, or the one who always has to be sober for the child? Make sure you aren't putting her in the situation where she always HAS to be sober. If that is her preference that is fine, but there should be times when she has the freedom not to be sober EVEN if she never has or never would drink, smoke up etc. She needs to not always be living as the designated parent .
Boom shlkaaaka boom boom, problem solved.